The last two years have been filled with bittersweet experiences. Some were diabetically sweet and some were painfully bitter. Others were too mediocre to remember. Life wasn’t all peachy, and not that I expected it to be. I often have had to swallow my pride, and settling for less than I thought I deserve. But then, perhaps that is what God has intended me to experience, so I can better learn humility and fully accepting myself for what I am. Who I am, I need to discover too.
I don’t know why I’m no longer that gungho and kiasu anymore, and I’m no longer ambitious in climbing up the corporate ladder anymore. I find myself no longer wanting things I had always wanted when I was much younger, and no longer interested in those worldly pursuits anymore.
I’m letting myself feel vulnerable and I have never, ever felt this vulnerable in life. I wonder what is happening to me…
I feel even more vulnerable after suffering from mild stroke sometime in March. Recovery took a few months and even now, I can’t say that I have fully recovered from the mild stroke. The right side of my body sometimes feel tingling, and sometimes a little numb. The mild stroke probably did something to contribute to my current state of mind. I feel I’m no longer the same person I used to be. Where I am now is a foreign universe. I need to find myself again. No. Correction. I need to find myself. My true self. Who am I? What do I want in life?
After a series of unfortunate incidents, I was just worried that my luck was beginning to run out. Then I realized that luck doesn’t run out, they just run around. I just have to catch Lady Luck unaware. There are many Lady Luck running around.
I must have caught one Lady Luck unaware because I remarried after ten years of being “single again”. I married a man I have come to love for himself and who loves me for myself. So yes, I’m lucky on one count. I believe, there must be countless ways to be lucky. I will keep running after another Lady Luck, because I still don’t know what I really want to do in life, when I finally leave the corporate life. Eventually, I will want to do something on my own, be my own boss.
I’m still doing some soul searching to find what my passion is. I hope someone can help me find what I’m looking for…