In all my messed up state of emotion, I forget there is such thing as “rebound”. Yup, what happened in my life for the last four weeks was a devastating result of this “I hate it but it’s true” thingy called “rebound”.
After analyzing the whole situation and turning it upside down, and looking at every angle possible, I realize it was not love at all that I was feeling. The analyzer in me understands it’s just a silly crush (yup, I’m laughing out loud now) and is examining why it happened.
After I left Abang Iman, I was feeling lonely and empty. I missed him terribly but I can’t go back to him. At the same time, Orang Bulan was there with me day in and day out. I didn’t go out with other guys for more than two and a half months because I was spending time with almost every day, and we grew close and intimate. I needed someone to love, to hold and to miss.
Orang Bulan contributed to my confusion by saying words and doing things he shouldn’t have had in the first place. Perhaps he didn’t know any better, because he is after all, just a boy, but can you blame me for thinking that I actually fell in love with him?
Now when I think about it, I realized, if I were being myself, I would have never fallen for Orang Bulan. He’s in different league altogether – totally not my type. He can’t even speak or write well in English, that’s for one (yes, I’m terrible; it turns me off when my potential partner can’t speak English well), he’s not as open minded and he’s way too skinny for my taste (sup tulang). He’s totally far off the mark from my ideal man.
I can be his close friend or teman tapi mesra at most, but it can never cross my mind to have fallen in love with a man (if I can call him a man) 12 years younger than me who is not my type and taste at all. He’s just a boy, and as Beyonce Knowles sings it, I could have been a better man than him if I were a boy.
Come to think of it, I cried buckets not because I was heart –broken over him. I was crying over all of my past broken love relationships rolled into one. I didn’t know where to channel my emotions that rolled down the mountain like an avalanche. I should have known better not let my emotion go awry.
Laughing out loud, I feel so stupid for letting myself fall like this. I’m glad I realize it’s a mistake before I plunge into something more complicated than this. I’m glad this is one of my favorite mistakes.
Nonetheless I’m glad I allowed myself to experience something beautiful if only for a brief moment. I’m glad that I have dared myself to risk and feel vulnerable – no matter how ridiculous it can be – and explored something that is out of the boundaries of my ideals.