Coming to My Senses

In all my messed up state of emotion, I forget there is such thing as “rebound”. Yup, what happened in my life for the last four weeks was a devastating result of this “I hate it but it’s true” thingy called “rebound”.

After analyzing the whole situation and turning it upside down, and looking at every angle possible, I realize it was not love at all that I was feeling. The analyzer in me understands it’s just a silly crush (yup, I’m laughing out loud now) and is examining why it happened.

After I left Abang Iman, I was feeling lonely and empty. I missed him terribly but I can’t go back to him. At the same time, Orang Bulan was there with me day in and day out. I didn’t go out with other guys for more than two and a half months because I was spending time with almost every day, and we grew close and intimate. I needed someone to love, to hold and to miss.

Orang Bulan contributed to my confusion by saying words and doing things he shouldn’t have had in the first place. Perhaps he didn’t know any better, because he is after all, just a boy, but can you blame me for thinking that I actually fell in love with him?

Now when I think about it, I realized, if I were being myself, I would have never fallen for Orang Bulan. He’s in different league altogether – totally not my type. He can’t even speak or write well in English, that’s for one (yes, I’m terrible; it turns me off when my potential partner can’t speak English well), he’s not as open minded and he’s way too skinny for my taste (sup tulang). He’s totally far off the mark from my ideal man.

I can be his close friend or teman tapi mesra at most, but it can never cross my mind to have fallen in love with a man (if I can call him a man) 12 years younger than me who is not my type and taste at all. He’s just a boy, and as Beyonce Knowles sings it, I could have been a better man than him if I were a boy.

Come to think of it, I cried buckets not because I was heart –broken over him. I was crying over all of my past broken love relationships rolled into one. I didn’t know where to channel my emotions that rolled down the mountain like an avalanche.  I should have known better not let my emotion go awry.

Laughing out loud, I feel so stupid for letting myself fall like this. I’m glad I realize it’s a mistake before I plunge into something more complicated than this. I’m glad this is one of my favorite mistakes.

Nonetheless I’m glad I allowed myself to experience something beautiful if only for a brief moment. I’m glad that I have dared myself to risk and feel vulnerable – no matter how ridiculous it can be – and explored something that is out of the boundaries of my ideals.

 

About Nel Fahro-Rozi

I’m an avid reader, prolific wordsmith, cat lover, and passionate foodie and traveler. When I’m not in a world of my own with any of the above, I am an entrepreneur, communicator and writer. View all posts by Nel Fahro-Rozi

2 responses to “Coming to My Senses

  • People of the Unknown

    life’s journey, huh? at the end of the day, the emotions u had about the world, are not in the world.. they exist only in you.. they exists only because your life is pushing you to experience the world… I am glad you made it.. ;o)

  • Nel Fahro-Rozi

    Thanks Saggitario. Things always happened for a good reason, there’s learning to be gained from every experience in our lives. Making mistakes, falling and getting up again is part of growing pains in life and this is something that’s necessary for us. I cannot question God, why me? God will answer, why not? I think God wants to test how much pain I can take and how much patience I can exercise before He gives me what I want. Until then, I must persevere and make my life as great and as meaningful as it can be, and find happiness in every blessing I get no matter how small.

    I will continue to share my unconditional love with people, and hope to leave my footprint by making a difference in their lives, big or small. I may meet another ungrateful soul like Orang Bulan which is like “melepaskan anjing yang tersepit” who hurts me and treats me like dirt after I did everything I could to help him up and get him out of his critical financial situation and saved him from losing his sales job.

    I know now I’m just someone Orang Bulan used to get back up again from the deep shit hole where he was when I found him. He told me once, everybody is using everyone for his or her gain. I should have picked up that hint huh?

    People may step over me or stab me in the back but it doesn’t mean I will stop making a difference to people I care about. I’ll just need to be more careful next time. This is just a learning experience. I shall be better next time.

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