Marvellous, murderous thing

  • For a week, I stopped thinking about that “marvellous, murderous thing” called love, as my favourite author Paulo Coelho puts it in “Eleven Minutes”.  

  •  My mind is echoing what Coelho’s leading character Maria in “Eleven Minutes” wrote in her diary, “It’s been such a long time since I thought about love or anything called love.  It seems to be running away from me, as if it wasn’t important anymore and didn’t feel welcomed. But if I don’t think about love, I will be nothing.” 

  • But sometimes I think love is a terrible thing. 

  • My fate when it comes to love, it seems, is that I understand very little about the men I love a lot, and and the men who understand me a lot, hardly love me a lot. 

  • As if it was written in the stars, I had lost Rugger Dan without ever really having him.  What a sad thing to be, my love was nipped at the bud, before it could blossom into a beautiful rose. Winter comes too soon. I’ve not had enough of the other seasons.

  • What really happened was just a little misunderstanding that grew into an avalanche.  It all started when I asked Rugger Dan out as he was in town. He said no as his course will finish late. 

  • The second time I asked, he said okay, if the course finish a little bit earlier.  He will call by end of the day to confirm. He didn’t.  He just left without a word.  When I called him, he said he totally forgot. He said, why don’t we go out next time? I said, this is the last time I’m asking him out.  He said, I won’t have to, because he’ll ask me out next time. I said, I’ll think about it.  

  • I was really hurt when Rugger Dan kinda stood me up, and I said some hurtful words to him in my anger.  Then I apologised to him for saying such things, but he made it so difficult for me by keeping a dead silence.  

  • After a week of dead air, we become a deadlock.  

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  • Before this deadlock, Rugger Dan had promised me that he’ll be my date to my friend Piano Man’s wedding in Seremban.  But as Rugger Dan hasn’t called me in more than a week, I took his long deafening silence as a highly possible “NO”. 

  • To avoid Rugger Dan from breaking my heart again by saying NO, I decided to go with somebody else, who’s more excited to go with me, and whom I quite like too.  It makes more sense to be with someone who wants to be with you, don’t you think?  

  • Today Rugger Dan called me to say he’s going with me to the wedding. As much as I wanted to go with him, I just had to tell him that he’s off the hook as I had made other arrangements. 

  • Sigh! He’s difficult to read. I wish I understand Rugger Dan better. He is so complex, and like many Gemini, there are two sides of him.

  • On one extreme, sometimes he leads me on with those early morning wake up and late night kiss me goodnight calls. On the other extreme, sometimes he’s just a friend.  

  • On one extreme, sometimes he’s romantic.  On the other extreme, sometimes he’s fatherly.  Or brotherly, rather!

  • On one extreme, sometimes he aroused in me desire to be close to him.  On the other extreme, sometimes he just kills my passion like cold water dousing a burning fire.

  • I’m confused by his little games.  I’m not good at playing games.  

  • Sometimes, I think by being that listening ear, shoulder to cry on, and that “come let me hold your hand” ploy, Rugger Dan is probably just playing HERO rescuing a DAMSEL in distress.  Being a HERO feels good isn’t it?  

  • Perhaps, next time, when Allah decides to grant me my JODOH, I will love my man just a little, and understand him a lot. Perhaps, he in turn will understand me a little, and loves me a lot. 

About Nel Fahro-Rozi

I’m an avid reader, prolific wordsmith, cat lover, and passionate foodie and traveler. When I’m not in a world of my own with any of the above, I am an entrepreneur, communicator and writer. View all posts by Nel Fahro-Rozi

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