Knocking on heaven’s door

  • Brazilian novelist, Paulo Coelho (my favorite author) wrote in Eleven Minutes, “When we meet someone and fall in love, we have a sense that the whole universe is on our side. I saw this happen today as the sun went down. And yet if something goes wrong, there is nothing left! No herons, no distant music, not even the taste of his lips. How is it possible for the beauty that was there only minutes before to vanish so quickly? Life moves very fast. It rushes us from heaven to hell in a matter of seconds.”
  • After going from heaven to hell (and back to heaven), I realised I had wasted my time with a self-absorbed man.  That’s one year of my life, btw.
  • Abang Imaan is very much that self-absorbed man. I’m always last in his list of priorities that don’t know where exactly I fit into his life. His career comes first, then his ambitions, then his mother. Even his sports car comes first before me.
  • Abang Imaan only wants to get married after he fulfils his ambition of becoming a Director at the Ministry of Works where he works. He said he needs five years to achieve his ambition – first he needs to finish his Master’s Degree in Town Planning, then pass his engineering certification exams, then work towards a promotion.
  • I’m just thinking, can’t he do a fair bit of multi-tasking?
  • People do get married and have kids while pursuing their ambitions and still make it, don’t they?
  • Isn’t the battle a lot easier to win when you have a supportive other half? Why do it alone when you can do it together?
  • I’m just thinking, why would Abang Imaan take me to meet his family all the way in Kota Bharu, Kelantan? Why get my hopes high when his mom approves of me, if he’s not ready for a commitment?
  • Whenever I asked him if he’s serious about our relationship, he confirmed it.
  • He said he loves me but he can’t marry me now. He’s still keeping his five year time frame for settling down. Abang Imaan said I should be patient and wait if I really love him.

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  • The problem is I can’t wait five years.
  • I mean, I want to get laid, legally! I choose not to want pre-marital sex. I promised myself I’ll be good – and I’ve been very good for years.
  • Darn! I’ve been celibate for years – that feels like eternity. If you know what I mean, that is. How can Abang Imaan tell me I have to wait for another five years to celebrate? Isn’t that an intolerable cruelty to someone you love?
  • I used to think, apart from this commitment flaw, Abang Imaan is kinda perfect in every way – well, almost.
  • But then again, as one writer puts it in her book, for me to say that a man is perfect except that he didn’t want to marry me is like saying that the ocean is perfect except that it’s wet.
  • I mean, if it takes him five years to be thinking of marrying me, then I think he’s certainly not taking me very seriously.
  • Where do I fit into his larger plan in life? Is there really a place for me there? I don’t see it.  Abang Imaan must have thought that the world revolves around him, and everything would wait for him, including time and tide. Doesn’t he realise that time and tide will not bide for any man.
  • It’s probably just the lure of an unavailable man that made me stay long enough only to get my heart broken and hopes crushed (again) if it doesn’t work out after that many years of waiting?
  • I had to make a decision – I think I should have just moved on long time ago.
  • I should have let him go long time ago, because I felt there is no sense in staying together just because it’s convenient – I was thinking, it takes a lot of effort to start a new relationship, so it was convenient to just stay in the one I’m already in and make it work, even if it’s lopsided and unfair.
  • In the last two months, Abang Imaan has become more and more insignificant as I become more and more indifferent in my feelings for him. In the end, nothing really matters because Abang Imaan is ceasing to really matter in anything I do.
  • It was a really hard decision to make, but I think I’m now ready to finally let Abang Imaan go and walk away from hell and knock on heaven’s door.
  • I’m knocking on heaven’s door. Is there anybody home? Heaven, I’m here, please open the door for me and let me in.

About Nel Fahro-Rozi

I’m an avid reader, prolific wordsmith, cat lover, and passionate foodie and traveler. When I’m not in a world of my own with any of the above, I am an entrepreneur, communicator and writer. View all posts by Nel Fahro-Rozi

2 responses to “Knocking on heaven’s door

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