- I think I’ve come to a chronic stage of feeling blue over my recent “withdrawal” from my over one-year relationship with Abang Imaan. Surprised? Yeah, I’ve been silent about my love life for a long time. I have stopped blogging for a while last year because I was extremely busy – both at work and my love life.
- About two months ago, I decided to cool it off with Abang Imaan and take a breather because I feel that the relationship is stasis, stagnant, standing still – and what have you. Not only that, he wanted me to wait another 3 to 5 years before we can settle down and get married – because he wanted to finish his degree and continue with his masters degree, and also sit for JKR engineering exams.
- While I do admire and support his ambition, his words still hit me hard right in the face. It’s like hello!!!!! Aren’t you forgetting that I’m not 21 anymore – I have less than 5 fertile years to try conceiving and having babies?
- Then he said, do we have to have babies? What kind of crap is this? So, I merajuk big time lerrr! Because I merajuk, I haven’t seen him in 2 months and I’ve been keeping my distance from him.
- Yep, I’m totally single again! Anyways…
- Oh and as if that’s not bad enough, something else has added salt to my bleeding wound. After all that long hours of slogging at work, I didn’t get any promotion and my salary increment isn’t that fantastic either. I’m burning out due to my ever increasing workload. At this rate I would probably die of cardiac arrest before I reach 45.
- Feeling grossly underpaid for a manager doesn’t help much in increasing my passion at work. If I don’t think of working for a GLC as a national service, I would be thinking that I’ve been taken for a ride.
- If you think that’s bad enough, wait and hear this one too. My apartment is no longer mine. My mother has hijacked the whole apartment, save for the master bedroom I rented out to Belle of The Party, and turned it into an electro-therapy “day spa” after I moved in with her at the big old house.
- My bedroom at the big old house comes with a big bathroom and an adjoining study room, and the whole space is probably half the size of my apartment, but bottom line, it’s not mine.
- When I had my apartment, it was a small living space that my mother always complained it’s a pigeon hole, but at least I owned it!
- So, I’m feeling very transient and nomadic right now.
- Last week, I had an intimate talk with Rugger Dan, widowed colleague who has been flirting with me for some time but I have been keeping a distance only because I was in a relationship with Abang Imaan then. Rugger Dan has been lending me his hand, ears and shoulders whenever I feel down – and I like his advice, coming from a much mature and older person – he is at least 12 years my senior.
- I was telling him my problems and that my passion at work is now at ground zero and I feel so underpaid and overworked.
- As Rugger Dan held and caressed my hands tenderly, he said that perhaps my passion at work has lessened because I don’t have a stability factor in my life.
- He elaborated that normal people would have partner, spouse and children to fall back on when life at work is not as exciting. Hmmm maybe I’m not one of those “normal people”. What can I say, my life is just not a normal, ordinary life like most people have.
- Rugger Dan thinks I work too much and am neglecting my personal life – so my life is not balanced. He said I should settle down. If Abang Imaan is non committal, move on, there are men lining up for me.
- Hmmm, I wish! Yeah right, but easier said than done, Rugger Dan Oh f*ck it, if I can just buy a husband on the supermarket shelf, or have him made-to-order wouldn’t it be nice?
- Oh dear, I must be depressed. I hardly complained and look at me now, I AM complaining. I’m almost never unhappy, I AM feeling unhappy. I’m always bubbly and happy. Oh God, this is so not right. This is so not me. Omigod! I must be depressed. That’s it!
- HELP! Am I going through a mid-life crisis? Isn’t it too early – I’m only 36!
I’ve been feeling like this since Friday. I gotta get out of this rut.
I think I need something new in my life. Perhaps a new job, a new environment, a new love, anything new is good for me right now. I think I should move far away from here.
Maybe my jodoh isn’t here, even if my other colleagues thinks that Rugger Dan likes me. If he does like me like me like me, like errr…you know, he would have told me about his feelings, right? Perhaps he was just flirting with me – after all, his late wife had just passed away over a year ago and surely he’s not ready for a commitment so soon.
Perhaps I am just a good friend to him. Perhaps there is more than meets the eye. Perhaps I like him. Perhaps he likes me. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. Nothing concrete to build any hope on. So perhaps I don’t want to assume anything.
- Avril Lavigne keeps singing “I’m With You” in my head, and her soulful sad voice just refused to just go away.
- She soulfully sang, “There’s nothing but the rain. No footsteps on the ground. Isn’t anyone trying to find me? Won’t somebody come take me home. I’m listening but theres no sound. It’s a damn cold night, trying to figure out this life, wont you take me by the hand, take me somewhere new, please someone, take me by the hand, take me somewhere new. I don’t know who you are but I… I’m with you. I’m looking for a place, searching for a face, is anybody here I know, cause nothings going right and everything is a mess and no one likes to be alone.”