Monthly Archives: August 2007

Marvellous, murderous thing

  • For a week, I stopped thinking about that “marvellous, murderous thing” called love, as my favourite author Paulo Coelho puts it in “Eleven Minutes”.  

  •  My mind is echoing what Coelho’s leading character Maria in “Eleven Minutes” wrote in her diary, “It’s been such a long time since I thought about love or anything called love.  It seems to be running away from me, as if it wasn’t important anymore and didn’t feel welcomed. But if I don’t think about love, I will be nothing.” 

  • But sometimes I think love is a terrible thing. 

  • My fate when it comes to love, it seems, is that I understand very little about the men I love a lot, and and the men who understand me a lot, hardly love me a lot. 

  • As if it was written in the stars, I had lost Rugger Dan without ever really having him.  What a sad thing to be, my love was nipped at the bud, before it could blossom into a beautiful rose. Winter comes too soon. I’ve not had enough of the other seasons.

  • What really happened was just a little misunderstanding that grew into an avalanche.  It all started when I asked Rugger Dan out as he was in town. He said no as his course will finish late. 

  • The second time I asked, he said okay, if the course finish a little bit earlier.  He will call by end of the day to confirm. He didn’t.  He just left without a word.  When I called him, he said he totally forgot. He said, why don’t we go out next time? I said, this is the last time I’m asking him out.  He said, I won’t have to, because he’ll ask me out next time. I said, I’ll think about it.  

  • I was really hurt when Rugger Dan kinda stood me up, and I said some hurtful words to him in my anger.  Then I apologised to him for saying such things, but he made it so difficult for me by keeping a dead silence.  

  • After a week of dead air, we become a deadlock.  

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  • Before this deadlock, Rugger Dan had promised me that he’ll be my date to my friend Piano Man’s wedding in Seremban.  But as Rugger Dan hasn’t called me in more than a week, I took his long deafening silence as a highly possible “NO”. 

  • To avoid Rugger Dan from breaking my heart again by saying NO, I decided to go with somebody else, who’s more excited to go with me, and whom I quite like too.  It makes more sense to be with someone who wants to be with you, don’t you think?  

  • Today Rugger Dan called me to say he’s going with me to the wedding. As much as I wanted to go with him, I just had to tell him that he’s off the hook as I had made other arrangements. 

  • Sigh! He’s difficult to read. I wish I understand Rugger Dan better. He is so complex, and like many Gemini, there are two sides of him.

  • On one extreme, sometimes he leads me on with those early morning wake up and late night kiss me goodnight calls. On the other extreme, sometimes he’s just a friend.  

  • On one extreme, sometimes he’s romantic.  On the other extreme, sometimes he’s fatherly.  Or brotherly, rather!

  • On one extreme, sometimes he aroused in me desire to be close to him.  On the other extreme, sometimes he just kills my passion like cold water dousing a burning fire.

  • I’m confused by his little games.  I’m not good at playing games.  

  • Sometimes, I think by being that listening ear, shoulder to cry on, and that “come let me hold your hand” ploy, Rugger Dan is probably just playing HERO rescuing a DAMSEL in distress.  Being a HERO feels good isn’t it?  

  • Perhaps, next time, when Allah decides to grant me my JODOH, I will love my man just a little, and understand him a lot. Perhaps, he in turn will understand me a little, and loves me a lot. 

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Knocking on heaven’s door

  • Brazilian novelist, Paulo Coelho (my favorite author) wrote in Eleven Minutes, “When we meet someone and fall in love, we have a sense that the whole universe is on our side. I saw this happen today as the sun went down. And yet if something goes wrong, there is nothing left! No herons, no distant music, not even the taste of his lips. How is it possible for the beauty that was there only minutes before to vanish so quickly? Life moves very fast. It rushes us from heaven to hell in a matter of seconds.”
  • After going from heaven to hell (and back to heaven), I realised I had wasted my time with a self-absorbed man.  That’s one year of my life, btw.
  • Abang Imaan is very much that self-absorbed man. I’m always last in his list of priorities that don’t know where exactly I fit into his life. His career comes first, then his ambitions, then his mother. Even his sports car comes first before me.
  • Abang Imaan only wants to get married after he fulfils his ambition of becoming a Director at the Ministry of Works where he works. He said he needs five years to achieve his ambition – first he needs to finish his Master’s Degree in Town Planning, then pass his engineering certification exams, then work towards a promotion.
  • I’m just thinking, can’t he do a fair bit of multi-tasking?
  • People do get married and have kids while pursuing their ambitions and still make it, don’t they?
  • Isn’t the battle a lot easier to win when you have a supportive other half? Why do it alone when you can do it together?
  • I’m just thinking, why would Abang Imaan take me to meet his family all the way in Kota Bharu, Kelantan? Why get my hopes high when his mom approves of me, if he’s not ready for a commitment?
  • Whenever I asked him if he’s serious about our relationship, he confirmed it.
  • He said he loves me but he can’t marry me now. He’s still keeping his five year time frame for settling down. Abang Imaan said I should be patient and wait if I really love him.

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  • The problem is I can’t wait five years.
  • I mean, I want to get laid, legally! I choose not to want pre-marital sex. I promised myself I’ll be good – and I’ve been very good for years.
  • Darn! I’ve been celibate for years – that feels like eternity. If you know what I mean, that is. How can Abang Imaan tell me I have to wait for another five years to celebrate? Isn’t that an intolerable cruelty to someone you love?
  • I used to think, apart from this commitment flaw, Abang Imaan is kinda perfect in every way – well, almost.
  • But then again, as one writer puts it in her book, for me to say that a man is perfect except that he didn’t want to marry me is like saying that the ocean is perfect except that it’s wet.
  • I mean, if it takes him five years to be thinking of marrying me, then I think he’s certainly not taking me very seriously.
  • Where do I fit into his larger plan in life? Is there really a place for me there? I don’t see it.  Abang Imaan must have thought that the world revolves around him, and everything would wait for him, including time and tide. Doesn’t he realise that time and tide will not bide for any man.
  • It’s probably just the lure of an unavailable man that made me stay long enough only to get my heart broken and hopes crushed (again) if it doesn’t work out after that many years of waiting?
  • I had to make a decision – I think I should have just moved on long time ago.
  • I should have let him go long time ago, because I felt there is no sense in staying together just because it’s convenient – I was thinking, it takes a lot of effort to start a new relationship, so it was convenient to just stay in the one I’m already in and make it work, even if it’s lopsided and unfair.
  • In the last two months, Abang Imaan has become more and more insignificant as I become more and more indifferent in my feelings for him. In the end, nothing really matters because Abang Imaan is ceasing to really matter in anything I do.
  • It was a really hard decision to make, but I think I’m now ready to finally let Abang Imaan go and walk away from hell and knock on heaven’s door.
  • I’m knocking on heaven’s door. Is there anybody home? Heaven, I’m here, please open the door for me and let me in.

Checked in a blind alley

  • Scottish poet Robert Burns (1759-1796) wrote, “The best laid schemes o’ mice and men often go astray.” 

  • So did mine. My life’s plan isn’t working out the way I wanted. I worked hard to move up the corporate ladder and that promotion didn’t happen. 

  • I’m glad however that some air was cleared last night when my boss called me into her room, and told me that she’s concerned that I looked demoralised lately.  

  • My boss wanted me to understand that she recommended me for promotion, but it wasn’t approved by the management because they can’t have so many promotions in a division.  Blame it on the f*cking curve that the consultants implemented, which means human resource also cut down my salary raise percentage because it’s outside the curve.

  • My boss also showed me her some confidential document showing her recommendation to the management for my promotion. She said she’s as disappointed as I am that I didn’t get what she recommended, because I’m one of her performing team members. 

  • Oh well, she’s disappointed, and I’m confused. Perfect.

  •  I told her I was little left out when three of my colleagues got promoted and I didn’t when I worked just as hard. I even helped them with their projects, out of teamwork spirit and I was never calculative.

  • So, I was wondering if I’m just not good enough for a promotion, or perhaps I wasn’t managing my bosses’ expectations well enough or perhaps I’m not visible enough to the management. I was wondering what was wrong with the way I work. 

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  • My boss assured me it wasn’t those at all. In fact, she said I work hard, I’m a good team player, I have a very positive attitude that’s infectious and I contribute tremendously to the division’s performance.  She said if I continue to consistently keep up all these good qualities, I can be rest assured she will recommend me for promotion again during next appraisal. Thank you, Boss!

  • Later that night, I confided in Rugger Dan what’s happened.  I dunno why, I just feel good talking to him. He’s a good listener and he usually gives sound advice. He said obviously there’s nothing wrong with me. There’s apparently something wrong with the organisation.  I’m not sure if I feel relieved or worried now. But in any case, Rugger Dan said just keep doing a good job, sooner or later, someone will notice.  

  • He also said that our “rezeki” or fortune doesn’t always come in the form of money. It could come in the form of love and other source of blissful happiness, for example. So I shouldn’t fret because Allah knows best what’s good for us.

  • Just wanna share with you, Scottish novelist A.J Cronin, once wrote, “Life is no straight and easy corridor alongwhich we travel free and unhampered,but a maze of passages, through which we must seek our way, lost and confused, now and again checked in a blind alley. But always, if we have faith, God will always open a door for us, not perhaps one that we ourselves would have thought of, but one that will ultimately prove good for us.” 


Nick the Dragon Slayer

  • Once upon a time, and far, far away, lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them.

  • One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King’s chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to more than just satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme. 

  • The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen’s brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

  • Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

  • The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.  Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen’s voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen’s itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and hailed as a hero. 

  • Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn’t have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh just told him to get lost. 

  • The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King’s underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.

  • The moral of the story – PAY YOUR BILLS.


Singing the Blues

  • I think I’ve come to a chronic stage of feeling blue over my recent “withdrawal” from my over one-year relationship with Abang Imaan. Surprised? Yeah, I’ve been silent about my love life for a long time. I have stopped blogging for a while last year because I was extremely busy – both at work and my love life.  
  • About two months ago, I decided to cool it off with Abang Imaan and take a breather because I feel that the relationship is stasis, stagnant, standing still – and what have you.  Not only that, he wanted me to wait another 3 to 5 years before we can settle down and get married – because he wanted to finish his degree and continue with his masters degree, and also sit for JKR engineering exams.
  • While I do admire and support his ambition, his words still hit me hard right in the face. It’s like hello!!!!! Aren’t you forgetting that I’m not 21 anymore – I have less than 5 fertile years to try conceiving and having babies?
  • Then he said, do we have to have babies? What kind of crap is this? So, I merajuk big time lerrr! Because I merajuk, I haven’t seen him in 2 months and I’ve been keeping my distance from him. 
  • Yep, I’m totally single again! Anyways… 
  • Oh and as if that’s not bad enough, something else has added salt to my bleeding wound.  After all that long hours of slogging at work, I didn’t get any promotion and my salary increment isn’t that fantastic either.  I’m burning out due to my ever increasing workload.  At this rate I would probably die of cardiac arrest before I reach 45.
  • Feeling grossly underpaid for a manager doesn’t help much in increasing my passion at work. If I don’t think of working for a GLC as a national service, I would be thinking that I’ve been taken for a ride.  
  • If you think that’s bad enough, wait and hear this one too. My apartment is no longer mine. My mother has hijacked the whole apartment, save for the master bedroom I rented out to Belle of The Party, and turned it into an electro-therapy “day spa” after I moved in with her at the big old house.
  • My bedroom at the big old house comes with a big bathroom and an adjoining study room, and the whole space is probably half the size of my apartment, but bottom line, it’s not mine. 
  • When I had my apartment, it was a small living space that my mother always complained it’s a pigeon hole, but at least I owned it!
  • So, I’m feeling very transient and nomadic right now.   
  • Last week, I had an intimate talk with Rugger Dan, widowed colleague who has been flirting with me for some time but I have been keeping a distance only because I was in a relationship with Abang Imaan then.  Rugger Dan has been lending me his hand, ears and shoulders whenever I feel down – and I like his advice, coming from a much mature and older person – he is at least 12 years my senior.  
  • I was telling him my problems and that my passion at work is now at ground zero and I feel so underpaid and overworked.
  • As Rugger Dan held and caressed my hands tenderly, he said that perhaps my passion at work has lessened because I don’t have a stability factor in my life.
  • He elaborated that normal people would have partner, spouse and children to fall back on when life at work is not as exciting. Hmmm maybe I’m not one of those “normal people”.  What can I say, my life is just not a normal, ordinary life like most people have.
  • Rugger Dan thinks I work too much and am neglecting my personal life – so my life is not balanced.  He said I should settle down. If Abang Imaan is non committal, move on, there are men lining up for me.
  • Hmmm, I wish! Yeah right, but easier said than done, Rugger Dan  Oh f*ck it, if I can just buy a husband on the supermarket shelf, or have him made-to-order wouldn’t it be nice?  
  • Oh dear, I must be depressed. I hardly complained and look at me now, I AM complaining. I’m almost never unhappy, I AM feeling unhappy. I’m always bubbly and happy. Oh God, this is so not right. This is so not me. Omigod! I must be depressed. That’s it!  
  • HELP! Am I going through a mid-life crisis? Isn’t it too early – I’m only 36! 
  • I’ve been feeling like this since Friday. I gotta get out of this rut.

  • I think I need something new in my life. Perhaps a new job, a new environment, a new love, anything new is good for me right now. I think I should move far away from here. 

  • Maybe my jodoh isn’t here, even if my other colleagues thinks that Rugger Dan likes me. If he does like me like me like me, like errr…you know, he would have told me about his feelings, right? Perhaps he was just flirting with me – after all, his late wife had just passed away over a year ago and surely he’s not ready for a commitment so soon.

  • Perhaps I am just a good friend to him. Perhaps there is more than meets the eye.  Perhaps I like him. Perhaps he likes me. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. Nothing concrete to build any hope on. So perhaps I don’t want to assume anything.

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  • Avril Lavigne keeps singing “I’m With You” in my head, and her soulful sad voice just refused to just go away.
  • She soulfully sang, “There’s nothing but the rain. No footsteps on the ground. Isn’t anyone trying to find me? Won’t somebody come take me home. I’m listening but theres no sound. It’s a damn cold night, trying to figure out this life, wont you take me by the hand, take me somewhere new, please someone, take me by the hand, take me somewhere new. I don’t know who you are but I… I’m with you. I’m looking for a place, searching for a face, is anybody here I know, cause nothings going right and everything is a mess and no one likes to be alone.”