I used to keep telling myself, just accept yourself as you are, because no matter what you do past the age of 35, it’s just like “brain cells come, brain cells go, fat cells are here to stay”. But hey you know what, deep down I think being overweight does have a negative impact on my self-esteem and inner happiness. What I am now – a 65 kg overweight 30 something – is just not the real me. I was still that 45 kg feather weight 21 year old inside!
I think I have let myself down in many ways and at the top of my list is my self-esteem and inner happiness. I think I was beginning to feel depressed lately, when my weight started to escalate from lack of vigorous physical activities – including exercise and sex-cercise. Being celibate for a long time, even if by choice, certainly doesn’t help.
Using the “5 why” method, I began to examine myself. Why am I beginning to feel depressed and loosing my self-esteem? Why? Because I don’t feel good about myself. Why? Because I do not like what I have become. Why? Because I don’t look good? Why? Because I was overweight and have neglected my body. Why? Because I didn’t treat myself as a priority. That’s the root of the whole problem! My friend Femme Fatale was right when she said I don’t love myself enough.
I hate feeling depressed. To not feel depressed, I have to be very physically active. When I was climbing mountains, go-karting, running year in year out for Kuala Lumpur Rat Race and walking at The Malay Mail Big Walk, I was a lot happier and chirpy! I remember how good I felt every time I completed each climb and each race.
I always tell people that I’m not competitive in nature, but deep down I think I actually am very “kiasu” as my best friend Belle of the Party always tell me, which I refused to believe for a long time . I was saying that I was non-competitive because I hate the pressure to perform and prove that I’m one the best if not the best, and the “not good enough” feeling I get when I’m not up to mark to make the cut.
Finally, I’m being honest with myself at this moment. Phew! That was a relief!
After doing some figuring out using my six thinking hats, as a solution, I finally joined a gym over one week ago. Hahaha being an outdoors person, I was not very keen on joining gyms. Denial. Denial. Denial. But I think this time I need it. No more denial. Okay. End of denial.
Guess what. Not only that, I’ve also hired a personal trainer to make sure I achieve my goal of losing 10kg before my next birthday in November. It will be my KPI for 2007. Now, that takes a real commitment. My new mission statement for 2007: “add brain cells, lose fat cells!”
Hmmm from the way my personal trainer has been training me, I can see how he thinks this is hard work for him because of my body fat content. You can deep fry chicken with my fat. Because I’m kiasu, I’d rather not tell *wink, wink* lest I lose face hahaha. He even worked out a weight loss diet for me to make sure I lose weight.
Omigod, my first three sessions with my personal trainer last week was hell on earth. Really, it was sheer torture for someone who hasn’t exercised and sex-cercised for three years (ehem, this is not an exaggeration). I almost copped out of my personal training not for Belle of the Party’s consistent encouragement. She’s so sweet, she even rejoined the gym so that she can be my workout buddy. This is even better than what a personal trainer can do for you. Thanks, Belle!
Insyaallah, with “istiqamah” or consistent I will get there. I shall be healthier, fitter, stronger.